10 Apr PREPARING YOUR MARRIAGE FOR THE CHAOS THAT COMES WITH A BABY
By Maria McEvoy
The word chaos is defined as “a state of disorder and confusion”. Friends let’s stop right here and reframe this conversation; just putting the word “chaos” in the title creates a sense of doom. As a coach I need to be able to work with the whole person and this includes any limiting beliefs and assumptions which are holding their clients back from achieving what they want, which in this case is to truly believe that their marriage can not only handle a new baby, but actually thrive. They must identify what is “fact” and what is a fear-based assumption they have chosen to view as factual.
If you enter parenthood with the deep-seated belief that parenting is going to be chaotic and therefore this requires some sort of advanced military-like planning and intervention, in my opinion, you are looking at this beautiful event through a lens distorted by fear of the unknown. Will there be some chaotic moments? Duh. But you will not be living in a constant state of “chaos”.
So, we are re-naming this article to “Preparing Your Marriage For A Baby” or “New Baby Strain on Marriage”, “Don’t Let People Freak You Out About Your Marriage And A New Baby”… you get my drift; I am allergic to people sharing their experiences with you and sensationalizing it as if they survived a war.
So, as my clients know, I keep it real!
Fear-based Myths
My son is 17, and as delicious today as the day he was born. Since he lived in my belly I heard “just wait until…labor…the first three months…teething…weaning…nursery school applications and now fast forward to….COLLEGE APPLICATIONS!! I just cover my ears and Charlie Brown it!
Don’t let anyone tell you that “poof” your kid will become unrecognizable overnight when they hit the ‘teen years. That is just another fear-based myth. My fertility challenges absolutely contributed to an immeasurable desire to be a mother and I spent my pregnancy closely monitored, and actively and fiercely preventing another miscarriage. It would have been understandable to spend the entire forty weeks in a state of fear. But I made the conscious decision to trust my doctors, my gut and my baby’s kicks and rolls that this was a “good” one.
I taught myself to replace fear-based thoughts with real evidence that all was going very well. You can too.
Here’s the truth, you can’t “prepare for” any part of parenting: the volcanic explosion of love (and poop), the way your baby’s head smells, the first smile, word, and steps. You also can’t “prepare for” the interrupted sleep, your painful private parts, a changed body, all the unanswered questions and wondering if at any point could you accidentally hurt your baby. But here is what you can prepare for. 1. How you and your partner are going to respond to the chaotic moment. 2. How you are going to respond to each other in those moments.
Communicating With Your Partner
The way partners turn towards each other post-baby is likely a reflection of how they handled tension or stress pre-baby.
The interactional patterns don’t change, the situation changed. There is now a new baby introduced into the system. Communicating about how you might handle these moments prior to getting pregnant and during the forty weeks of pregnancy, establishes a shared foundation and prepares you as a couple to continue to maintain an open dialogue. Mother nature gives you plenty of time to work together. In other words, “if/when the going gets tough, let’s turn towards each other and not retreat into our own corners”.
Tips to Prepare Your Marriage For Baby
Here are some ways (very much inspired by John Gottman’s approach to relationships) my husband John and I took our marriage to a deeper place post-baby:
The word chaos is defined as “a state of disorder and confusion”. Friends let’s stop right here and reframe this conversation; just putting the word “chaos” in the title creates a sense of doom. As a coach I need to be able to work with the whole person and this includes any limiting beliefs and assumptions which are holding their clients back from achieving what they want, which in this case is to truly believe that their marriage can not only handle a new baby, but actually thrive. They must identify what is “fact” and what is a fear-based assumption they have chosen to view as factual.
If you enter parenthood with the deep-seated belief that parenting is going to be chaotic and therefore this requires some sort of advanced military-like planning and intervention, in my opinion, you are looking at this beautiful event through a lens distorted by fear of the unknown. Will there be some chaotic moments? Duh. But you will not be living in a constant state of “chaos”.
So, we are re-naming this article to “Preparing Your Marriage For A Baby” or “New Baby Strain on Marriage”, “Don’t Let People Freak You Out About Your Marriage And A New Baby”… you get my drift; I am allergic to people sharing their experiences with you and sensationalizing it as if they survived a war.
So, as my clients know, I keep it real!
Fear-based Myths
My son is 17, and as delicious today as the day he was born. Since he lived in my belly I heard “just wait until…labor…the first three months…teething…weaning…nursery school applications and now fast forward to….COLLEGE APPLICATIONS!! I just cover my ears and Charlie Brown it!
Don’t let anyone tell you that “poof” your kid will become unrecognizable overnight when they hit the ‘teen years. That is just another fear-based myth. My fertility challenges absolutely contributed to an immeasurable desire to be a mother and I spent my pregnancy closely monitored, and actively and fiercely preventing another miscarriage. It would have been understandable to spend the entire forty weeks in a state of fear. But I made the conscious decision to trust my doctors, my gut and my baby’s kicks and rolls that this was a “good” one.
I taught myself to replace fear-based thoughts with real evidence that all was going very well. You can too.
Here’s the truth, you can’t “prepare for” any part of parenting: the volcanic explosion of love (and poop), the way your baby’s head smells, the first smile, word, and steps. You also can’t “prepare for” the interrupted sleep, your painful private parts, a changed body, all the unanswered questions and wondering if at any point could you accidentally hurt your baby. But here is what you can prepare for. 1. How you and your partner are going to respond to the chaotic moment. 2. How you are going to respond to each other in those moments.
Communicating With Your Partner
The way partners turn towards each other post-baby is likely a reflection of how they handled tension or stress pre-baby.
The interactional patterns don’t change, the situation changed. There is now a new baby introduced into the system. Communicating about how you might handle these moments prior to getting pregnant and during the forty weeks of pregnancy, establishes a shared foundation and prepares you as a couple to continue to maintain an open dialogue. Mother nature gives you plenty of time to work together. In other words, “if/when the going gets tough, let’s turn towards each other and not retreat into our own corners”.
Tips to Prepare Your Marriage For Baby
Here are some ways (very much inspired by John Gottman’s approach to relationships) my husband John and I took our marriage to a deeper place post-baby:
- Stay interested in each other, especially the details that seem mundane. For example, how many times you nursed that day, how many diapers, did the baby poop, did you dear wife poop, did it hurt (FUCK YES) etc..
- Communicate your needs. Don’t assume your partner can read your mind or body language that you are in desperate need for a workout/nap/manicure/time away from the baby.
- Establish daily rituals of connection….a foot rub, a deep kiss, a shared cocktail.
- Express affection and respect for each other in small, everyday moments.
This article was originally published on We Are Robyn.
Tara Roscioli
Posted at 13:11h, 14 AprilLovely content and I cannot wait to read more.